Mormon Sex for the Dead
Many Mormons are fond of considering themselves a “peculiar people.” A title of honor some would say. Others outside of the faith see some of the rituals they perform as certainly peculiar.
One peculiar Mormon ritual is “Baptism for the Dead.” I actually did this a time or two growing up in Vegas. A youth group got up very early in the morning on a Saturday, and drove to the nearest Mormon Temple, which at the time was in St. George, Utah. About a two hour drive.
We changed into all white clothes, were escorted into a baptismal font resting on the backs of twelve oxen (representing the twelve tribes of Israel) and were baptized over and over again on behalf of dead people. Mormons dunk you completely under the water. None of the sprinkling drops on the forehead stuff.
The idea behind this is that there are certain things a person must do on Earth to progress in the life hereafter. Mormons believe their’s is the only “true” church, thus everyone must be baptized a Mormon. So thanks to genealogy, they have lists of names of people who were not Mormons on earth, and vicariously baptize them after they die.
You might recall that in 1995 the Mormons got in trouble by the Jews because they were baptizing Jewish victims of the Holocaust. Now the Mormons are in trouble with the Catholics for baptizing deceased Catholics.
The Mormons also have a ritual for marrying people who have passed on and were not married in Mormon temples. Sealings. That doesn’t get as much attention. But being the hot marketing babe that I am, I have come up with an idea that the Mormons can use to swell their numbers, bring them converts by the thousands, and gather them extra billions in tithing dollars.
Sex for the dead.
If Mormons baptize for the dead, and marry for the dead, why not have sex for the dead? Just to make sure that dead people can prove that they “tried” to “go forth and multiply” as commanded in the bible (Gen. 24:2). It makes sense. No more Mormon missionaries going out for two years to try and convert people. Throngs will be lined up to join the church so they can go to the Temple every weekend, hook up with someone, and perform the sacred ritual of “sex for the dead.” It will work. Marketing at it’s finest.
I totally beat you to this idea and will defend my copyright to the death. after which you may have sex on my behalf. just make her hot. OK?
http://fiddley.com/archive/200708/blog_post_for_the_dead
Sign me up! Does it have to the the sex for multiplication purposes?
@Pete Dunn Yes, I remember when you posted that…a few days AFTER I told you my idea about sex for the dead. I thought you were a bit wussy for not including it.
shit. i forgot it was YOU i stole that from. to repent, i’m going to go do my temple work.
@Pete Dunn and @Jennifer I might convert if I could have sex with a hot woman every Saturday. And Pete, after you pass on, I will have sex for you and Donna, just ’cause I love ya that much.
Brilliant as usual.
You are a jerk and a hypocrite! You are no better than the “mormons” you preach so heavily against!!! I’m suspicious that because you couldn’t follow any of the “mormon rules” you got bitter and now you attack them because it makes you feel better because you believe they have attacked you for not keeping the rules. Well I got news for you, YOU HAVE ISSUES! Just because a mormon or a catholic or a jew doesn’t agree with you does not give you the right to publicly belittle and humiliate them for something they strongly believe it. You strongly believe Lesbianism should be ok. They strongly believe it shouldn’t. That makes you even, so you can stop with your little blog-posts that do absolutely nothing to help your cause!