“How Come You So Fat. You Never Catch A Man”
My 16 year old, 5′5″, 140 pound self looked down at my 4′9″, 80 pound new aunt as she looked up at me and said, “How come you so fat? You never catch a man like this. How come you so fat?”
I was praying that after over 30 years in the United States, my imported Vietnamese aunt would be fat. At least somewhere on her body. But as I saw her for the first time in 13 years at rich brother’s season opening pool party BBQ this week, son-of-a-bitch she was still skinny.
She and my Uncle Clint were taking two of their granddaughters from Arizona to Yellowstone, and stopped in Utah for a few days. At the BBQ, Clint never stopped talking. I learned that we should all stock up on ammo for our rifles and guns because it is going to get “that bad,” learned that too may black people were moving into Arizona, and I learned that all ethnic groups in the area except Mexicans are able to learn English with no problem. The day before I learned from one of my siblings that before he married Aunt Kim, he ran a background check on her to make sure she had no black blood in her family line. Huh?
Clint met Kim while serving in Vietnam during that other war that nobody wanted, tens of thousands died, and we treated our vets like crap when they came home. When he got back to the states, he pulled strings, shipped Kim over, and they got married in our house is Las Vegas by our Mormon bishop. (Clint kept our Las Vegas address as his permanent address through the remainder of his military career…no state taxes in Nevada.)
Who knew throwing rice at a new bride (or at anybody) meant they had done something bad (in Vietnam). Oops. We didn’t have enough hiding places as jets would fly overhead and Aunt Kim, scared as shit, would run and hide, yelling “Viet Cong, Viet Cong.” Who knew homemade Vietnamese food was so dang good. (None of us back then.)
It was nice seeing Uncle Clint and Aunt Kim. Clint, another black sheep in the family, gave me a hug as we parted and said he loved me and to be good. Of course I told him I would be good, “within reason.” He clarified that he meant be HIS version of good.
And as for Aunt Kim, that skinny bitch, I found out she just got a new Mercedes. God Bless America.
Catch a man for what, exactly?
Love your new MILF and crush. Diane Lane is totally hot. You know if you’re into that sort of thing.
PS. The CAPTCHA provided word below is cumstock. I laughed.