STERKWORKS | Ex-Mormon Lesbian Surviving Utah

My coworker from Brazil was freaked out that there was a 6.0 earthquake on the Nevada/Utah border this morning. Most folks didn’t feel it. I did. I was sitting in my car on the freeway when I felt it. At first I thought it was the wind, then I thought there was something wrong with my car. Ten minutes later I heard the news of the earthquake. Okay. Kinda fun.

Sofia shouldn’t worry about earthquakes. Would God strike down Zion, the place he led Brother Brigham and all of those followers to back in 1847? And if he did allow an earthquake to happen, I’m sure he would have a reason. Maybe a test of faith? Maybe to destroy gay bars like when he sent the tornado a few years back?

My personal earthquake plan was to purchase a townhouse within seven miles (walking distance) of all of my family members who I’m sure all have their two-year supply of food, water, and other essentials. But the best thing about today’s earthquake was it reminded me of “the good ole days,” the cold war days, the nuclear bomb days.

I grew up in Las Vegas in the 70s, in its prime when the mob ran things. Back then, the US government performed underground nuclear testing out in the desert. Prior to each test, they would put out a notice letting the public know when they would set off the bombs. But sometimes, I missed the announcement. I was a teenager, and missed a lot of things actually. So every now and then, I would be sitting around minding my own business in my parent’s house, and all of a sudden….all of a sudden….the green-resin-relief-society-made-grape-swag-lamp would sway.

The telltale sign of an underground nuclear test explosion, thanks to a Wednesday evening Mormon Relief Society homemaking meeting. (We also had the matching table centerpiece.) I wish I had that green grape swag lamp and matching centerpiece. I would proudly display them in my home.

So now we come full circle. I believe that if God intends on unleashing an earthquake via the 240-mile long Wasatch fault, he has prepared a way for his saints, and we Utahns, to be prepared. We need to bring back the resin grape swag lamps. One in every home, every classroom, every public facility. And when that lamp starts to sway, we duck and take cover under a desk or table.

God works in mysterious ways.

Filed under: Humor, Mormon, Family, Place d'employ