A Sacred, Not Secret, Mormon Document
The Mormon church filed a copyright infringement claim against Wikipedia because they have a link to the “Church Handbook of Instructions,” which like the Temple itself, must be sacred, not secret. So of course, I had to read the offending document. It is 198 PDF pages. I skimmed.
Halfway through I was pretty disappointed. Boring. How to run meetings. What to do in case of a natural disaster (includes helping non-members). And so on. I did, however, run across a couple of items I found interesting.
Baptism and Transgendered Individuals
There is an entire section on who can be baptized (and @fiddley, I think they needed your permission for your daughter), and one thing I found odd. If you are considering having an “elective transsexual surgery” you cannot be baptized. But if your penis has already been turned into a vagina (my wording, not theirs), you can be baptized, but you cannot get a Temple recommend.
Funerals
A funeral conducted by a Mormon bishop, whether it is in a Mormon church or a funeral home, is considered a church meeting and religious service. The bishop “considers” the wishes of the family, but the service should include “brief addresses and sermons centered on the gospel.” What about the life of the person who died?
Mission - Men vs. Women
Single men between the ages of 19 and 25 can serve full-time missions for the Mormon church. And yet the age range for single women is 21-39. Wow. That is quite a discrepancy. I figure they send the men young as to prevent them from having sex during their horny years. Women hit their sexual prime later than men, so maybe this is why their age range is so long. But I suspect in reality, it gives women more years to go to BYU and find their celestial partner. And by the time they have a PhD and have given up on finding a man, they can still go on a mission and feel good about themselves. One of my good friends met her first girlfriend on her mission to Spain. I call that a couple of years of good dating.
Homosexual
Everything homo is wrong in the Mormon church. Yet, “homosexual behavior can be forgiven through sincere repentance.” If you were raised Mormon, you know the steps of repentance. I am listing them with examples of how one would repent of being a homosexual.
- Sorrow for sin. I am sorry I am a lesbian.
- Confession of sin. Bishop, I am a lesbian.
- Abandonment of sin. I am not having any lesbian sex. (Ain’t that already the truth.)
- Restitution, or restoring the damage of our actions. I will restore my heterosexuality by having one sexual encounter with a man for every sexual encounter I have had with a woman.
So I learned a few things. And the epiphany I had after reading this document? The next time the Mormon missionaries come to my door, I am going to say, “I would love to hear your message. I am currently undergoing sexual reassignment surgery. Can it wait a few weeks?”
And that’s just the beginning of their freakishness! Truth be told, each religion has their own crazyness though.
For example, we went to my husband’s grandfather’s Southern Baptist funeral. WOW!!!! I don’t think they even said a word about the poor dead man, it was ONLY a sermon. People saying “Amen” and “Praise Jesus” VERY loudly all throughout the service. The preacher man was huffing and puffing and talking some crazy shit. I had to bite my cheeks to stop from laughing out loud, it was surreal.
Kinda made me glad my parents forced me to go to the Mormon church, at least it is calm and reverent!
talking about crazyiness, i once went to a church service in a tiny town in the middle of the rainforest where i was staying (don’t ask ) there was nothing to do in the evenings, not even a bar.
and boy, did i seeeee jesus, i can tell you.
on another note, i worked in the salt lake temple for many years, and believe me, a ‘man made’ vagina would be the least of the problems that i could think of….
i’ve said too much, i’ll get my coat…
It seems everyone knows someone who hooked up sexually on their mission. I used to date a boy who had been screwing a girl on his mish. Mormons like to think that’s a rare occurrence, but I think it happens a lot.
Is that an elephant in the living room? Nah…
Dear Lord, I pray that someday people wake up and start living their lives, taking responsibility for themselves, and realizing that moral worthiness and intelligence and fulfillment don’t come out of ancient storybooks or invisible sky people or “handbooks”.
Amen.
I remember thinking the same thing when i found out that the boys go on missions at 18, but the ladies have to wait until 21… all part of thier plot to marry us off and make sure we’re having a litter of little Mormon Babies.
Actually, one of the last straws (the one that broke the back) was when they decided to *ship me off* to the Young Single Adults ward so i could meet other young single sexually frustrated adults with whom i would fall madly in love with - or madly in lust with and then need to marry out of lack or orgasms. Just let us get laid for chrissakes. ANYWAY, i digress. When they said: “Laura, you’re 18 now and you need to be surrounded by other Marraige-able adults” i said: “Fuck that noise! i’m out!” - of course, i was dating a NON-MEMBER at the time (GASP!!) I thought, ‘who the hell are you to tell me who i can or can’t (but i was) knock boots with?”
and i haven’t looked back since…lol.
Ooo - the funeral one was a big thing in the town I grew up in. Rarely was any dead person actually mentioned at their own funeral. It was like a sacrament meeting without the snack and a lot more tissues.