STERKWORKS | Ex-Mormon Lesbian Rocking Utah

Do you remember Sharlene Wells? She became Miss America in 1985. And just by chance, it was the year after Vanessa Williams was de-throned as Miss America seven weeks before her reign ended when nude photos of her appeared in Penthouse Magazine (stupid decision to dethrone her…and they were great photos).

So who better to be Miss America the next year than a “goodie-two-shoes Mormon” from Utah? But I am sure that had nothing to do with the judges’ decision.

In the mid and late 80s, I was in charge of the television and radio marketing for ZCMI, the Mormon-owned department store with locations in Utah and Idaho. Somebody had the brilliant idea to hire Ms. Wells to be our spokesperson for the year. Great. So we hired her. (And yes, those were the years when we had to file the nipples off of mannequins in the stores to appease the easily offended.)

We had three shoots with Ms. Wells, bunching up commercials so we could run them throughout the year. I’m sure after 20 years, Ms. Wells-Hawkes is a lovely individual. And my hind site might be a bit harsh, but bare with me. This is how I remember her.

Shoot one: The poor stylest pulled shoes that were 1/2 of a size too large for Ms. Wells’ feet. So she purposely flopped her feet around the set every time she walked. We were shooting with sound instead of doing voice-overs later, so of course, this could not continue. We checked every woman on the set until we found an acceptable pair of shoes that Ms. Wells could wear and would stop flopping. I recall her having big feet, so she was probably self conscious. We also had to shoot her straight on, as her nose was not really her best feature. But she was a special spirit.

Shoot two: This happened on a Saturday during Mormon general conference, and Sharlene brought along her mother. Her mom was actually really nice, however her mother had to watch conference. So we found a television and brought it on set and established a mini lounge area for her mother to partake of her spirituality. Again, we were shooting with sound, and her mother was kind enough to turn down the sound on Mormon conference every time we would start shooting. Sharlene and her mom bantered around the names of the general authorities like they had all been to their house. In fact, I think Sharlene’s father was, or was to become, a general authority for the Mormon church. Gag. Not only did I have to work on a Saturday, but I had to hear Mormon general conference in the background.

Shoot three: The final shoot, and we were shooting couture. Ms. Wells looked great in it. And at the end of the shoot, she asked to keep and take home one of the outfits. Our account executive from the ad agency told her yes. I found out and was furious and made the agency pay for the outfit. Argh!!!! What a mess to clean up. I could check out up to $10,000 of merchandise from the stores with my company issued advertising credit card. But it all had to be returned. Try explaining to accounting that we would have to bill the agency because the head ad agency dude had a crush on Ms. America and gave her expensive clothes for free. On top of everything we were paying her.

After Miss America, I believe Ms. Wells worked for ESPN for eight or so years, married a physical therapist, wrote books, and recorded music. Good for her. But I’ll always remember her as the clothes hungry, conference watching, shoe clomping model.

Filed under: Humor, Mormon, Utah, Television | 2 Comments »

Bloggers Unite for Human Rights. Today is the day, and I have no grand agenda, no brilliant insights into how to cause world peace, feed the hungry, and stop President Bush from trampling over our constitution and torturing and enslaving anybody he wants. No ideas.

But closer to home, I am happy. I am thrilled that the California Supreme Court overturned the state’s gay marriage ban. It amazes me that straight people think that homosexuals have so much power that if they had the same marriage rights, society as a whole would collapse. It is a step.

I will be even more thrilled when gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transgendered (GLBT) individuals are given the same protections in the workplace as others. I have a transgendered friend who lost her job just because of who she is. I lost a career position after seven years when my new boss found out I was a lesbian. And it is legal.

Even more heavenly will be when GLBT individuals don’t have to be afraid to walk out of a bar at night time, don’t have to worry that if they turn to police for help, they won’t find it, and don’t have to find a 21-year-old youth beaten, tied to a fence, and left to die because he’s gay.

“Your voice is the most powerful tool in erasing hate.” ~ Judy Shepard

Filed under: History, Lesbian, Blogging | 5 Comments »

Schmutzie challenged me to participate in a “Six Quirky Things Meme.” I’m up for a good challenge.

So the rules are that I link to the person who tagged me (Schmutzie), post the rules, and then write a list of six quirky things about myself. Then, tag six people to do this meme with links to their weblogs. Easy enough, and I’m always looking for things to blog about. It seems like a blogging chain letter. Weird.

Six Quirky Things About Sterkworks (Of course, I think they are normal.)

1. If taste buds are bugging me, I cut them off. Yup. With the little scissors on my Swiss Army Knife attached to my key chain. (Every lesbian should have one.)
2. I must organize my money (paper bills) in order from largest in the back to smallest denomination in the front. Then for each denomination, the newest and cleanest bill has to go to the back and progress forward to the oldest, most wrinkled, dirtiest bill. Repeat for next denomination. And of course, all facing forward and upward.
3. I was once so obsessed with ironing, that I even ironed my underwear. (Big step this weekend…I threw away my ironing board.) I once tried to iron the collar of a model on a shoot while the blouse was still on her. Decided against that. Could have been Sharlene Wells-Hawkes (former Miss America). She is a future blog post all unto herself.
4. I try not to swear around my daughter, but swear up a storm when I drive. I get all the fucks out. My favorite is Jesus Fucking Christ. And I like it. And I feel naughtier than when I do anything else.
5. I say completely non-politically correct things around people just to get a reaction. They know I believe the exact opposite, but the look of shock on their faces that someone would actually say something so bad is priceless.
6. I am allergic to cilantro. It makes the back of my head go numb, in a really good way. I keep threatening to grow it and dry it and smoke it and see what happens.

So here are the people I am tagging. Do it or don’t. But it is kinda fun. Like I said, it reminds me of a blogging chain letter. And hey, free linkage.

BearsMountain, a late in life lesbian who just figured it out.
Bunnie Blog, born and raised among the crazy Mormons.
Drop Dead Chris, 30ish, cool tattoos.
Sov Knight, I just like him…a lot.
Miss Pants, I’ve met her in person. She is HOT!!!
Letters From A Broad, American ex-Mormon atheist mom living in France.
Have Fun!!

Filed under: Humor, Blogging | 6 Comments »

Wow. My last post got me a lot of questions, all from straight men and women. Those who know me personally called me, texted me, emailed me at work. Those who don’t personally know me, Twittered me, left me comments on my blog, and emailed me at my sterk address.

The two most often asked questions. What is a “tongue-up” and “dental dam…huh?”

Tongue-ups, you know, like push ups, exercises to keep that ever important muscle strong and healthy so you can use it to its best advantage at a moment’s notice. Men, you need to be doing tongue-ups as well as lesbians. Make those women in your lives proud (and squirmy).

And dental dams. Ah. Maybe some of the younger lesbos don’t remember when these were “essential”…the early days of AIDS. Dental dams are those latex square pieces that the dentist puts, or used to put, into your mouth and then would poke out the tooth he/she was working on. But lesbians used them for “safer sex” during oral sex, so as not to transmit bodily fluids. I hate the taste of latex.

My sister didn’t understand. She blamed it on a coworker not getting the definition. I told her “Female version of condom…stretch over area.”

She still didn’t get it. “Shut up, really? I’m still a little confused. Angela wants to know for what part of the body?” So I took ten seconds and drew her a picture in Word and sent it.

They are probably sold in sex shops now. But I remember actually asking my dentist for some, to give to a friend as a gag gift. He gave me some with a perplexed look on his face.

So with all of these questions, I have an idea for a lesbian related URL I have reserved, thought up by that hunky Mormon Mr. Ransom Note Typography himself. I should use it as a forum for straight people to ask all kinds of questions about lesbians. That would be kind of fun. And of course I would have to get a lot of input from other lesbians, because I am, after all, a little rusty.

Filed under: Humor, Lesbian, Blogging | 10 Comments »

I keep my nails short,
Just in case.
I shave my legs most of the time,
Just in case.
I do tongue-ups on a regular basis,
Just in case.
I have a Human Rights Campaign sticker on my car window,
Just in case.
I have extra batteries somewhere,
Just in case.
I have a supply of dental dams,
Just in case.
I have walking room on both sides of my bed,
Just in case.
I have a lock on my bedroom door,
Just in case.

Filed under: Humor, Lesbian | 9 Comments »